Blockstream launches layer 2 product for quicker distribution of talking points

Following the complete flop of the Lightning and Liquid networks, Blockstream (BS) is launching its third attempt at a “layer 2” networking product known as “LiquidBS”, a tool for BTC twitter fans to spread up-to-date talking points with each other in a quicker manner.

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CoinBlockDesk was at the announcement in Pyongyang where BS CEO Adam Back let the world know about the exciting new product.

“Blockstream, or BS as we like to call it, is all about helping things grow. We think you need lots of BS to help BTC grow, and that’s been our motto from day one. Spread more BS to keep BTC growing! But we’ve found a blockage in the way of our precious BS that keeps coming up time and time again. And that’s having everyone on the same page with the same talking points.”

Mr Back pulled out his iPhone and opened Twitter, holding the screen up to the audience. “Here, look at this half wit Peter McCormack. He’s on Twitter today telling people bitcoin doesn’t need any apps built for it. I mean, that’s literally our business model, building apps for BTC. We needed a quicker way to make sure everyone in the BS ecosystem stays on point. So we’ve built a new messaging app that you connect via your Twitter, and we can then broadcast to you all the latest BS talking points.”

A member of the press asked Mr Back why they didn’t just use a Twitter group chat or DMs. After a few moments of quiet discussion between Mr Back and Samson Mow, Mr Mow then took the microphone. “Ah look, we didn’t actually know that feature existed. We manage so many Twitter accounts that we generally use special black-hat software for posting to thousands of accounts at once. But we’re going to press on anyway with our new app. We don’t think people should be spamming the Twitter network with group chats or DMs anyway. Twitter is only for valuable public facing tweets. Anyone who uses Twitter differently to how we prescribe is a spammer.”

Mr Back continued. “Also we do charge a small fee for using our LiquidBS of course. And we’re confident that everyone who loves BTC will download this app and start opening channels directly with other BTC users. Once everyone has opened around 20 direct channels with other BTC twitter users in our app, we should have the ability to rapidly share perma-bull price rising memes, talking points, edited videos, proof Craig Wright isn’t Satoshi, and lots of other valuable info that will keep everyone on the same page and save you from having to think for yourself. We want BTC talking points to be decentralised and quicker than ever. We think BTC investors are really going to love getting their hands dirty with LiquidBS.”

Editor’s note: Blockstream advised CBD that due to murky regulatory clarity, LiquidBS will not be available on iOS or Android. The app will only be available for Linux, will require an “always on” connection, a well funded non-custodial lightning wallet, TOR, a VPN, commercial grade RAID storage, a high throughput internet connection, a firearms licence, a high performance satellite dish, and lots of red cordial.”