Blockstream launches layer 2 product for quicker distribution of talking points

Following the complete flop of the Lightning and Liquid networks, Blockstream (BS) is launching its third attempt at a “layer 2” networking product known as “LiquidBS”, a tool for BTC twitter fans to spread up-to-date talking points with each other in a quicker manner.

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CoinBlockDesk was at the announcement in Pyongyang where BS CEO Adam Back let the world know about the exciting new product.

“Blockstream, or BS as we like to call it, is all about helping things grow. We think you need lots of BS to help BTC grow, and that’s been our motto from day one. Spread more BS to keep BTC growing! But we’ve found a blockage in the way of our precious BS that keeps coming up time and time again. And that’s having everyone on the same page with the same talking points.”

Mr Back pulled out his iPhone and opened Twitter, holding the screen up to the audience. “Here, look at this half wit Peter McCormack. He’s on Twitter today telling people bitcoin doesn’t need any apps built for it. I mean, that’s literally our business model, building apps for BTC. We needed a quicker way to make sure everyone in the BS ecosystem stays on point. So we’ve built a new messaging app that you connect via your Twitter, and we can then broadcast to you all the latest BS talking points.”

A member of the press asked Mr Back why they didn’t just use a Twitter group chat or DMs. After a few moments of quiet discussion between Mr Back and Samson Mow, Mr Mow then took the microphone. “Ah look, we didn’t actually know that feature existed. We manage so many Twitter accounts that we generally use special black-hat software for posting to thousands of accounts at once. But we’re going to press on anyway with our new app. We don’t think people should be spamming the Twitter network with group chats or DMs anyway. Twitter is only for valuable public facing tweets. Anyone who uses Twitter differently to how we prescribe is a spammer.”

Mr Back continued. “Also we do charge a small fee for using our LiquidBS of course. And we’re confident that everyone who loves BTC will download this app and start opening channels directly with other BTC users. Once everyone has opened around 20 direct channels with other BTC twitter users in our app, we should have the ability to rapidly share perma-bull price rising memes, talking points, edited videos, proof Craig Wright isn’t Satoshi, and lots of other valuable info that will keep everyone on the same page and save you from having to think for yourself. We want BTC talking points to be decentralised and quicker than ever. We think BTC investors are really going to love getting their hands dirty with LiquidBS.”

Editor’s note: Blockstream advised CBD that due to murky regulatory clarity, LiquidBS will not be available on iOS or Android. The app will only be available for Linux, will require an “always on” connection, a well funded non-custodial lightning wallet, TOR, a VPN, commercial grade RAID storage, a high throughput internet connection, a firearms licence, a high performance satellite dish, and lots of red cordial.”

Aspiring crypto trader shocked to learn real traders aren't on Twitter

Crypto-trader-hopeful @bigGAINZ69 says he struggled to deal with the revelation that successful cryptocurrency traders might not actually be on Twitter giving away their secrets.

He spoke with CoinBlockDesk about his discovery, and how he’s learning to cope with the future.

CBD: Can you tell us how you got into crypto and about your trading experience.

@bigGAINZ69: I’ve been trying to trade my way back to break even ever since getting into crypto on boxing day 2017. I basically picked the exact top of the market and am down about 99.8%. I nearly made some money back with BSV but I dumped them under the advice of some dude with a podcast. Anyway, I’ve been studying all the pro traders on Twitter for over a year now, and I honestly just kept losing money.

CBD: Why did you think people on Twitter knew anything about trading?

@bigGAINZ69: Yeah well that’s what I’m asking myself now. See, a couple of months ago I quote-tweeted this bird who had some great charts showing that BTC was going to be at $50,000 by the end of the year. And some dude named @youreanidiot just wrote LOLZ as a reply. Anyway, I went 20x long on Bitmex based on her predictions, then the market tanked and I was closed out overnight. I messaged the woman who posted the chart and she said if I was a paid subscriber to her group I would have got the REAL advice.

CBD: So you realised she was a scammer selling worthless subscriptions?

@bigGAINZ69: Well, err, no. I paid. And then I lost even more money following the advice she gave in that group. See, it was never clear what the advice was. It was always things like “it might go up but it could go down”. So I messaged the dude who wrote “lolz” at me and asked why he laughed. I thought maybe he knew something.

CBD: And what did you learn?

@bigGAINZ69: Well, he asked me if I honestly thought that if someone could make serious money trading why on earth they’d sabotage their own strategy by selling what they know to strangers on the internet for $50 a month. And I realised he might have been right! I mean, if someone knew how to successfully arbitrage trade, or call when a coin would move up or down, why on God’s green earth would they tell me about it? Telling other people would actually kill the strategy! They’d keep it a secret as long as possible, or maybe they’d tell me AFTER they’d entered their position so they could dump on me. Gah! I was such a fool!

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CBD: So do you plan to stop trying to trade now?

@bigGAINZ69: No way. Now that I’ve figured out how this thing works I’m starting my own trading group. Memberships are only $49 per month and I just use some trading view charts and fancy terms I googled and people are signing up already! I’m mostly focused on low-cap coins so I can get in then tell my audience, and actually sell to them. But the thing is, I actually look like I predicted the rise, even though I was the one who CAUSED IT! Hey have you ever heard of dentacoin?

Core devs debate changes to attract more crime to BTC 

The battle for the king of money laundering coins has heated up this week as BTC Core developers ramped up public discussion over changes needed to attract more illicit use to the token.

Hot on the heals of BCH implementing schnorr signatures, a way to hide who is signing a multi-party transaction, Core devs discussed adding the same feature to BTC. Discussion has also covered other anonymising features such as dandelion, taproot, and other ways to help users not get caught by authorities when laundering money or paying for sex slaves.

Blockstream representative Andrew Poelstra has been publicly discussing the benefits of the changes, making some insightful observations. “Let’s say you run a big scam that locks up a bunch of computers and ransoms them for BTC. Well, once you get your coins you really struggle to spend your money or you’re at risk of being arrested. Well, at Blockstream we believe in freedom, so we can’t have people being arrested for merely choosing to live how they want to. Thieves should not be deprived of the freedom to spend their income.”

Competition also factored into Mr Poelstra’s argument for the changes to BTC. “We’ve noticed a lot of the money laundering and darknet business has been going to Monero and BeeCash, and now Litecoin are talking about adding anonymity features. BTC is falling behind. We need to be the darkcoin of choice if we want to allow crim… I mean freedom. If you look on Dream Market you’ll see everyone is accepting BCH now, but once we can offer improved money laundering features, we think we’ll see an uptick in BTC adoption. The next time I buy a fake passport or 10,000 aged twitter accounts for Blockstream’s propaganda wars I want to be able to safely and confidently pay with BTC.”

Not everyone thinks the changes to BTC go far enough, however. Zooko Wilcox, issuer of Zcash, a token that allows for completely anonymous usage, says BTC is going to struggle to compete with Zcash’s ability to facilitate illicit activity. “We’ve spoken directly with the Sicilian Ma… er… Chamber of Commerce, and they tell us they prefer Zcash and Monero for their ummm… business transactions. Zcash is definitely a better darkcoin than BTC. But I suppose you can get away with BTC with their new changes, because we have great tools like Binance and Shapeshift, so it’s easy to get rid of any token you might have been paid with for someone else’s clean coin. Hell, I can even use Nicehash anonymously to launder my money. It’s going to take years for the authorities to realise what the hell we’ve been doing all this time.”

Supporting the anonymity changes in BTC is noted developer and devout catholic Luke Dash Jr. He spoke with CBD about his thoughts on the new BTC fork. “Yeah look I know the bible says to render unto Cesar and obey the laws and all that, but honestly, I hate paying tax. So I’m willing to ignore that bit of the bible and make it hard for the government to track my BTC. Not that I have much anyway. It’s so hard to use I ended up switching to patreon for support for my dev work. Turns out no-one wanted to actually pay $10 in fees to make a $10 donation for some reason.”

Binance CEO Changpeng Zhao also weighed in on the matter. “We’re very supportive of darkcoins, and that’s why we love the changes being made in BTC. Any coin that makes it easier for authorities to track crime, like Bitcoin SV, will be delisted as soon as possible. People trust Binance to help keep them safe from dangerous governments that stop them living in freedom, and we want to play an important role in creating a world where anyone can safely buy weapons, explosives, or women online.

"Actually usable as money" credited as the surprising reason for BSV's meteoric rise

Confusing the naysayers yet again today, Bitcoin SV continued its rise up the ranks of Coinmarketcap, now knocking on the door of the token that started the entire delistbsv movement, CZ’s special piece of fecalcrypto, BNB.

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The confusion on Twitter and Telegram has been coupled with outrage, as frustrated investors curse Binance CEO CZ and Kraken head nerd Jesse Powell over their decision to rob their customers of incredible returns. As the crypto community searched for answers, they appear to have come to the startling realisation that BitcoinSV might be attracting investors because it’s useful as a currency.

Former BTC Maximalist @coinzlyf69 said it took him a while to understand what the appeal was of BSV. “At first I thought it was just all the dank memes that was driving up the price. But then I had a play with the actual token and the Handcash app, which I hoped was like tinder for handjobs but it’s not, but anyway it’s actually really easy to use. Fees are tiny, transactions are instant. It’s quite a novel concept, having a cryptocurrency that actually works. I wish the BTC devs had thought of something like this.”

Despite delisting BSV earlier in the year, Kraken CEO Jesse Powell admits he was a complete dickhead to think he would be able to have any impact on the price. “What I’ve come to realise is that coins that chase exchange listings are like that desperate girl at the party that you just know has probably slept with every guy in the room. Now I’m looking over at Bitcoin SV and my customers are abusing me every day for making them miss the trade of the year. I feel like I broke up with the perfect woman and I don’t know how to get her back.” Jesse’s tears were starting to smear our notes so we cut the interview short.

Lightning network shrinking is actually a good thing, say BTC advocates

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Despite the much anticipated Lightning network’s launch over a year ago being touted as the perfect way to reduce fees when using BTC, statistics revealing the network’s size now point to an ongoing reduction in the number of channels and tokens on the network. It seems adoption is decreasing as more and more people close their Lightning channels.

But advocates of the Lightning network and BTC say this is a actually great news for BTC.

Twitter user and BTC evangelist @hodlDEEZbits69 says that while the numbers might appear to paint a negative story for the future of BTC, the truth was easy to understand for pure bitcoiners. “What you see in the numbers is that because Lightning wallets are all hot wallets essentially broadcasting their location to anyone in the world, we’re seeing an uptick in the amount of BTC being stolen. And that’s great news. If it’s being stolen, that shows that it’s super valuable. Thieves only steal things that are valuable, and things they can liquidate quickly. So these channels shutting down is just more proof that BTC is the coin of choice for thieves, which I think is a message that will really help us get that ETF we’ve been working towards for so long.”

Other members of the BTC camp had a different interpretation of the shrinking numbers, but still managed to see the news in a positive light. Reddit user u/100XonBITMEX4lyfe_69 said that the Lightning network shrinking could largely be explained by the impure users closing their channels. “This is an important part in the growth story of BTC. Running a lightning node is hard work. Really hard. You basically need to be a rocket scientist to do it safely. So these people closing their channels are essentially people who are not worthy of using BTC finally saying goodbye. I say good riddance to them. They’re dirty, unfaithful sinners who don’t deserve to own any money.”

Not everyone in the cryptocoin space sees the news as a positive thing for BTC. AXA Venture Partners is an investor in Blockstream, a key Lightning network proponent and developer. François Robinet, Managing Partner at AXA VP spoke with CBD, saying he was getting fed up. “Honestly we didn’t know what the frick we were investing in when we gave money to Adam Back. Their presentation was so convoluted I just think no-one in the room wanted to look stupid and say they didn’t understand a thing he was talking about, so we all just nodded and signed the check. All they’ve done with our money is make a WORSE way to send crypto, and hire a team of 300 social media ‘account managers’ to shitpost all day long. I have to report our figures later this month and I think we might just have to write that investment off completely. Honestly I made more money personally by buying BitCoin SV last month than I can expect to make from Blockstream in the next decade. I still don’t think they actually have a business model!”

Podcaster Peter McCormack asks for donations to help rebuild his home that he destroyed

BTC advocate and podcaster Peter McCormack has expressed outrage at the decision of his kitchen to become unusable after a drunken night of smashing things, and has reached out to his audience asking for donations to help him repair his home.

He spoke with CBD about his announcement and his hope for assistance from the community.

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“Honestly, when I got drunk and started laying into my kitchen, I had no idea that it would actually break stuff. My oven is now completely unusable, my dishwasher won’t turn on, and the cupboard doors are all gone. Literally all I did was spend 6 hours straight laying into all the walls and benches and stuff with a sledge hammer, and now the place is destroyed”.

McCormack says he’s not going to let the injustice stand. “Frankly, no-one could have expected my kitchen to react the way it did. Even the dining room has sustained damage. It’s outrageous. So I’ve contacted some of the best builders in the country and they’ve agreed to defend me against this nonsense that I had no fault in at all, and will repair the entire place. Obviously it’s in the interest of everyone, not just me, but my entire audience, for me to successfully renovate my entire house. So I’m asking for donations to help make this happen. I know I’ve been mocking everything that’s not BTC right now, but I’ll gladly take any coin, especially BitCoin SV. That stuff has pumped 150% in the last month so those folks will be loaded right now. Plus I expect it to pump again next month, despite what all the BTC maxies are saying on Twitter. Right now I can’t afford to be an idealist. I just need money.”

Mr McCormack said if the fundraising for the repair of his home was successful, he would consider a second fundraiser to replace his car, which mysteriously sunk when he drove it into Priory Lake last Friday. “No one could have known that the car would sink,” said Peter. “It’s nonsense. That Lake has been abusing and mistreating cars for too long. We should fix it by everyone sending me money for a new car.”

Mr McCormack also asked people not to send him Tether. “I spoke with Phil Potter off air and he assured me that shit is worthless. Don’t send me Tether.”

Dear Daniel: How to get into crypto?

Dear Daniel,

I want to get into crypto but I don't like investing.

I want to be different but that doesn't seem to be possible in crypto.

What should I do?

Iam Unique


Dear Unique,

You do not need to be interested in investing in order to get into crypto.

You can become a concern troll on twitter.

No one will know that you don't really have any skin in the game.

Daniel


Daniel Krawisz runs this Bitcoin advice column “Dear Daniel”. Message us on Twitter if you’d like to submit a question for Daniel. Daniel Krawisz can be followed on twitter @DanielKrawisz

Ku Klux Klan distances itself from "toxic BTC" and Blockstream

A copy of The Bitcoin Standard, by Saifadean Ammous.

A copy of The Bitcoin Standard, by Saifadean Ammous.

The Ku Klux Klan has announced plans to stop using BTC following an “unprecedented” display of toxic behaviour from the BTC camp, including from the likes of Saifedean Ammous, author of The Bitcoin Standard.

Mr Ammous was out in full force, defending the behaviour and calling for more. “I wrote the Mein Kampf of BTC for a reason. I want more of this stuff. We need to bully and abuse people until they either submit and join us, or are too scared to ever publicly disagree with us.”

Supporting Mr Ammous’ extreme position was the notorious Blockstream company, the organisation most notable for employing a team of toxic twitter trolls to help “re-eductate” people who disagreed with their scaling suggestions. Samson Mow, chief spokesperson for Blockstream had this to say. “We’ve decided to set up special, um, accommodation facilities, for people we find at cryptocurrency conferences who criticise the Lighting network or Liquid. Anyone found defending those we disagree with or complaining about the abuse will also be, er… encouraged, to attend. If they don’t attend with their full consensus we’re going to hard fork their life savings off the network, and don’t think we can’t!”

A Ku Klux Klan press release stated that the BTC movement had become even too toxic for them, and by accepting payments in BTC their brand was being hurt. “Look, even we have standards,” said a spokesperson for the KKK. “But these BTC maxies seem to have none at all. They eat their own. They turn on anyone asks for an explanation even. I even saw some dude with no tech experience at all who just wrote a nonsensical book about Bitcoin demand that all BTC core devs be forced to stop contributing if they didn’t like being abused regularly. I think even one of the founders of Blockstream just disavowed them. To be frank, we were wondering why we were paying $6 in transaction fees anyway, and now we’ve realised they’re all nut-jobs, we might consider something a little less toxic, like maybe the blood of dead virgins, for payments.”

Tone Vays predicts BTC price will likely either go up or down

In his latest “Trading BTC” YouTube video, famed BTC trading advisor made the bold prediction that the price of BTC might actually go down in the coming days.

Mr Vays also pointed out that alternatively, if the BTC price doesn’t go down it will instead go up.

Tone Vays has an incredible track record with BTC price predictions, having predicted last months BTC price spike perfectly when he said “the price could go down further from here but let’s be honest, it could also go up”.

Tone Vays spoke with us about his incredible track record of making profits from trading.

CBD: So you’re essentially living off BTC these days?

Vays: I’ve found trading BTC to be incredibly profitable. I basically make a full time living from it.

CBD: So you trade successfully then?

Vays: No, I charge people 0.2 BTC for in person trading training sessions. I’d never trade myself. That’s madness. I make WAY more money this way.

CBD: Some people say your predictions are very vague and always have caveats so you can claim you were never wrong. What do you say to that?

Vays: Those people don’t understand trading terminology. Anyone who’s done my trading course would know what I meant when I say something like ‘this dead cat bounce is a bull trap pushing the resistance but if we break the 200 day MA then we can expect upward or downward pressure to cause a breakout depending on the flying cross close on day 9 of the trend’.

CBD: That’s a lot of trader lingo. Your training course must be really in depth.

Vays: Yes it is. You will learn all about what those candles mean, and what the open and close prices indicate about the future.

CBD: Why do you use open and close prices when crypto markets never actually open and close?

Vays: errr….

CBD: Haven’t all the big moves recently just been at the whim of whales? Can charts really predict what some billionaire is going to do on any given day?

Vays: Well… umm…. Look, altcoins are scams, alright. I support BTC so I’m not a scammer, clearly. I was at a conference recently where I was depicted as a knight protecting BTC so I’m one of the good guys. Your questions are making me uncomfortable.

CBD: Sorry, just trying to learn. Can you tell us what your prediction is for the coming weeks based on the charts?

Vays: Yes, it’s pretty obvious actually. There’s a good chance that if the price moves up from here we can expect it to keep going up, but if it starts to fall, that might mean we’re heading south.

CBD: Very clear. Thanks for your time Mr Vays.

Vin Armani wins "Most Influential Bitcoiner" award as voted by Vin Armani

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The 2018 MIB (Most Influential Bitcoiner Award) has been awarded to Vin Armani for the 4th consecutive year. The annual award ceremony, organised, hosted, and voted on by Vin Armani, is heralded by the event promotors as the night of nights in the crypto-sphere, and an opportunity for the public to discover who exactly is worth listening to in Bitcoin-land.

Voting is carried out solely by Vin Armani, a BCH developer who describes himself as “the most humble man in the world”.

In accepting his award this year, Vin shared the struggle the last 12 months has brought. “It’s been a difficult year for all of us. I don’t mean just the price of our investments. I mean that last month I found someone in crypto who hadn’t been reading all of my tweets. I felt so sorry for them. I mocked them of course, as that’s the only way for them to learn. But I just want to say a big congratulations to everyone who follows me on Twitter, and has alerts turned on. As someone who used to have a very successful TV show, it’s important that everyone on the internet understand that my opinion is the correct one.”

In attendance were many fellow BCH fans, including Roger Ver, who spoke with CBD after the award ceremony. “Is it weird that Vin is awarding himself these trophies? Maybe. But compared to the shit I’ve seen in crypto, this is pretty tame. I mean, have you heard of Zcash? It’s a crypto I helped launched that literally has a tax that’s taken out and given to the “founders”. I mean, I’m on record as saying tax is theft probably a million times, but I pumped a coin that has tax literally baked into the protocol. So I just want to congratulate Vin on his award, and I think he’s very handsome and intelligent for investing in the same coin I invest in.”

Greg Maxwell wins starring role in upcoming Tarantino psycho-thriller

News broke today in the crypto-sphere of Blockstream’s most beloved son Greg Maxwell landing the starring role in the upcoming Tarantino thriller about a man with split personality disorder who tries to destroy people he doesn’t like.

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Director and producer Quentin Tarantino spoke with CoinBlockDesk about the surprising choice for the coveted role. “Maxwell isn’t encumbered by something most people carry, and that’s a moral compass. He has absolutely no problem deceiving people into believing he’s someone he’s not, and this means he will be able to act in a convincing way that few actors ever achieve. I’ve seen conversations held by Greg on Reddit by himself, where he was 3 different people discussing an issue. He’s already been able to trick thousands of idiots online into believing paying high fees when they send money online is a good thing. I’m super confident he’ll be able to convince any audience that he’s our lead character, Charlatan, who has an untold number of personalities he uses to manipulate and control others.”

Mr Maxwell said he was thrilled to accept the role. “When I heard about the offer, I was in the middle of seeding some new automated malware that DDOSes any website with the words Craig Wright in it. I was so thrilled about the award I had to stop straight away and share with my friends on Reddit. Literally ALL the comments were so supportive. It’s a shame I won’t be able to focus on my first love, that is running my bespoke collection of twitter accounts. But I think ultimately this movie role is what I’ve been training for my whole life. All those countless conversations with myself on Reddit and Twitter ended up paying off. Grammy always said I was going mad and should put some clothes on and go outside. WELL WHO’S LAUGHING NOW GRAMMY?!!! YEAH THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR DISCONNECTING THE WIFI! I TOLD YOU I KNEW HOW TO MAKE MUSTARD GAS! YOUR FUNERAL WASN’T EVEN PACKED!”

Mr Maxwell wasn’t lying about the outpouring of support on Reddit. User “Contrarian” expressed solidarity with Greg. “Well done friend,” said Contrarian. “You deserve this more than anyone I know. If you ever need help with the role just reach out.” Another user, Nullc, also shared those sentiments. “Personally, I’m pulling out the champaign [sic] that you landed this awesome role. Amazing work. You’re going to be great at this. I should know.”

Craig Wright thanks BCH / BTC supporters for free advertising

Following the U.S. Copyright Office awarding Bitcoin inventor Craig Wright registrations for the whitepaper and early computer code, social media has exploded with news of the event, coinciding with a massive increase in the BSV price.

CBD spoke with Dr Wright about the news, and the support he has been shown by the BTC and BCH communities.

“I have been looking forward to announcing this, but honestly the reception has been beyond my wildest dreams. For example Vin Armani, who I confess I’ve clashed with in the past, has been kind enough to post over 20 times on Twitter to his audience about the copyright registration. Peter McCormack, who believe it or not I’m actually suing, recently tweeted that EVERYONE needed to read the Bloomberg article about the copyright, and I’ve even gone viral on r/Bitcoin. They normally ban anyone who says “craig”. The publicity has been overwhelming, and it’s helped drive the BSV price way up there.”

Dr Wright asked that a warm-hearted thanks be shared with those who have been so generous in sharing the news. “I was actually trending on Twitter, even the Telegram BTC Permabulls group run by that Tether shill Alistair Milne was promoting me, and I basically struggled to find a BTC shill account on social media that wasn’t talking about me. Every altcoin shill account was talking about the great news too. I really don’t think there’s any amount of money or planning that could have pulled off a marketing effort like this. I just want to say a massive thank you to the BCH and BTC camps for their generosity.”

We reached out to Vin Armani about his generous publicity of the copyright registration, but he just started talking about archetypes and antichrists and dragons and stuff and it got super weird so we cut it short.

BTC investors add "copyright" to list of things that are definitely not proof of being Satoshi

Following the announcement that Craig Wright successfully registered copyright of the Bitcoin Whitepaper and the Bitcoin software, BTC supporters have updated their list of things they would definitely never accept as evidence of Craig Wright being Satoshi.

Jameson Lopp, speaking to CBD, said he should have thought about it earlier but had been too busy cleaning his assault rifle collection. “Yeah, so basically if he signed something, that doesn’t prove he’s Satoshi, same if he moves the coins. All that proves is he has the keys. So if he ever does that we’ll just say he murdered the real Satoshi. Also if he has receipts for domain registrations, that doesn’t count. The testimony from Joseph VaugnPerling, a respected member of the crypto community, doesn’t count because… well, I dunno, and of course other witnesses saying he invented Bitcoin don’t count either. And now I have to add winning copyright over the Bitcoin whitepaper or code isn’t evidence either. I should say, winning in court isn’t evidence either because I’m smarter than any judge, just ask my twitter followers.”

We asked what Mr Lopp would accept as evidence of Dr Wright being Satoshi, the inventor of Bitcoin. “Well, I thought about it, and basically I’m too deep into this Craig is a Fraud cult, that I really don’t think I can ever back out. Me and G Max have just decided that whatever evidence comes to light we’ll just shout “LOL” until we can come up with a plausible explanation as to why Craig can’t have been Satoshi.”

We also spoke to our good friend Peter McCormack about the news. “Mate, I don’t understand bitcoin, and I don’t understand the legal system. But I’ll challenge Craig to a drinking competition. If he wins, I’ll tweet that he’s Satoshi and I’ll buy 3 Bitcoin SV coins. If I win, he has to give me his lambo for the weekend.”

Giacomo Zucco wins coveted "Most Petty Blocks on Twitter" award

The annual BLOCKstream Propaganda Awards, BTC’s most anticipated evening of the year, was held recently in San Fransisco, California, where Core stars and aspiring hangers-on gathered a-plenty to eat dead animal flesh and gloat over their self importance with respect to all things cryptocurrency.

After plenty of “shitcoin” lines from MC for the evening, Saifedean Ammous, a surprise appearance from Nick Szabo was met with chants of SA-TOE-SHEE from the slightly inebriated mob.

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Eventually the main event for the evening arrived, the announcement of the winner of the highly prized “Most Petty Blocks on Twitter” (MPB) Award.

Nominees this year included:

Samson Mow, for blocking everyone who shared any statistics on the failing “Liquid” network.

Mr Hodl, for blocking a young girl scout who dared ask him if he could pay for his cookies with “crypto”.

Saifedean Ammous, for blocking anyone who didn’t think he was as smart as his idol Nassim Taleb.

Francis Pouliot, for blocking about 3500 different people who claimed that he is an arrogant, condescending twerp.

Giacomo Zucco, for blocking anyone in the BTC camp who acknowledged the existence of Bitcoin SV or Bitcoin Cash.

Max Keiser, for blocking an orphanage on Twitter that accepted donations in Bitcoin SV.

Betting on the event was very tight, with the slight majority of pundits predicting BLOCKstream’s Samson Mow to take away the victory, simply by way of insider vote manipulation, as the event is sponsored by BLOCKstream and it was presumed they would tamper with the vote.

However, to everyone’s surprise and delight, the winner announced was Giacomo Zucco.

In receiving the award, Mr Zucco was at pains to point out that all he was doing was his moral duty. Balanced on a milk crate to reach the microphone, Mr Zucco said, “Fuck that fucking Peter McCormack. He pretends to be a bitcoiner but no-one can be so stupid to still be asking basic fucking questions every episode. He’s a snake, and he’s a fraud, and everyone should block him right now! Last week on Twitter I saw him say people might get confused between Bitcoin and Bitcoin Cash. Well, I didn’t bother to look at the context he was saying that in, but just the fact that he mentioned BeeCash was enough for me to lay down the hammer!”

Cheers erupted from the audience, as Giacomo concluded. “Next year I hope to improve my block game by being sure to block anyone who doesn’t swear fealty to the Core team and Small Blocks, and if I find that they don’t actually run their own Core node AND lightning node, I will probably DDOS them.”

Mr McCormack, who was called out by Mr Zucco in the acceptance speech, was in attendance at the event, and spoke with CoinBlockDesk about the block which won Giacomo his first MPB award. “Jesus Christ. I don’t know what I have to do to get accepted by these lunatics. I mean, I baited Craig Wright by calling him a fraud until he finally sued me, I mock Bitcoin SV every day on Twitter, even though I have literally zero idea if there’s actually anything wrong with it technically, and I sold ALL my alt-coins and now only own BTC. I honestly just wanted to make friends and be accepted into their group, because I haven’t really got anything else going on in my life. But these morons don’t actually allow thinking. I was supposed to just memorise the doctrines without questioning them. When I said “I can understand the big blocker perspective” I think that really upset them. Now I don’t know what to do. I either have to repent for my sins and try and win their acceptance again, or they’ll basically keep calling me a fraud. God, I would never call someone a fraud publicly without evidence. I can’t believe they’re doing this to me.”

BTC targets sadomasochist community to find people happy with pain of paying high fees

Leaks from the Satoshi Roundtable conference (a totally transparent but exclusive invite-only Bitcoin meet-up) show decisions being made by BTC influencers to target community groups where parallels between BTC and their community’s ethos are already present. An almost a unanimous vote to target the sadomasochist community was carried out.

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CoinBlockDesk managed to get hold of the vote details, and we spoke with several attendees who asked to remain anonymous because they didn’t want Bruce Fenton to fork their RavenCoin holdings off his “decentralised” network.

Our first contact, who we’ll call TotallyNotWayneVaughan, told us the reasoning for the move. “Yeah we looked at the problem of high fees, and weighed up our options. Basically we’re faced with two choices. Increase the block size as per Satoshi’s original plan so fees remain low and BTC is usable, or we target people who like pain and will be happy to pay high fees. Well someone wearing a lion mask with a Canadian accent suggested instead of raising the block size we just target people who love self harm.”

TotallyNotWayneVaughan said he was a little confused at first. “I didn’t understand to be honest. I thought it would be far simpler just to double the block size. I mean, my freaking iPhone has 256GB of storage. I’m pretty sure anyone running a node could just grab an external drive off ebay if needed. But then I googled sadomasochist and apparently they’re people who love pain. Well, let me tell you, there’s nothing more painful than paying $13 transaction fees on a $30 Dreammarket purchase of um… tinctures. So maybe we can just tell them all about how much pain they can give themselves by trying to use BTC as money!”

Fellow attendee, who we’ll call Lameson Jopp, said the move was really insightful. “What I’d say to everyone questioning this is, just go and purchase a $300 Casa node so you can be a true Bitcoiner, eat more meat, and self flagellate every day by paying stupid-high transaction fees to open and close lightning channels. And if you want to spread the message of BTC, join your local dungeon sex cult and tell them they can have pain all day long, not just Friday nights, if they send BTC to each other at 300 sats/byte.”

New conference launches focused on avoiding discussion of Craig Wright

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Following the viral popularity of a Craig Wright themed talk at the Coin Center dinner during the “Consensus” Conference in New York this week, several influential voices in the space have announced the launch of the annual “Don’t talk about Craig Wright” conference.

Neeraj Agrawal, Chief Shitposter at Coin Center, spoke with us briefly about his thoughts on the new conference. “Yeah look we don’t really have a lot to do at Coin Center other than write letters to politicians, so using some of our funding to attend another conference is a great idea if you ask me. And as far as the focus of the conference goes, I think it’s important we all stop talking about Craig Wright so he can’t influence this space any more. And the best way we can do that is to have an annual conference focused on just that.”

Mr Agrawal’s colleague, Peter Van Valkenburgh, echoed Mr Agrawal’s sentiments. “Yes our talk and dinner we hosted focussed on Dr Wright was a big hit. And so based on that there’s clearly a need for people to come together regularly to focus on ways to not talk about Craig Wright.”

We asked why the focus of the dinner was on Craig Wright.

“People really need an enemy in order to feel united. I learned that watching Independence Day with Will Smith. All those aliens made people realise it didn’t matter what nationality they were, they all hated aliens. And Craig is our alien. So if we can get the crypto community to just focus on hating Craig, then we might be able to stymie some of the toxic inter-coin fighting that goes on at these conferences. You should have seen the boys from the Noded podcast on day one of Consensus. They were actually throwing pieces of raw lamb wrapped in pages of The Bitcoin Standard at EOS developers. It was only when I started to talk about Craig Wright that everyone calmed down and realised they had so much in common. So I believe Craig Wright, regardless of whether or not he actually invented Bitcoin, is a force that can unite the world.”

Ripple, MtGox, and Stellar founder, Jeb McCaleb, also had shining things to say about the conference. “Honestly, whenever someone questions me about my involvement in Mt Gox, or Ripple, or any other shitcoin I’ve launched, all I have to do is say “How about that Craig guy!” and immediately the person likes me and buys whatever I’m selling. It’s become my go-to move, and I suggest anyone who is launching an ICO simply to put “Craig Wright is not allowed to buy this” in their whitepaper and it will be a guaranteed hit. I think this conference is a great idea. We need to discuss more ways of how to focus on not making a big deal about Craig. Whenever we talk about him, more people investigate him and some actually listen to what he says and realise it makes a lot of sense. We can’t have that. Craig says things like “there should only be one blockchain.” Having launched at least two myself that I can recall, I don’t want a voice like that gaining influence. In fact, I hope to launch another cryptocurrency at this conference next year. You know what they say, the world needs lots of difference currencies to make things simpler.”

Not everyone felt the same way about the conference. We had a chat with Peter McCormack from the “What Bitcoin Did” podcast, a podcast focussing on the journey of someone who wanted to get rich buying crypto but after losing it all trying to be a miner even though he didn’t know what a difficulty adjustment was, found that it was more sustainable to simply sell advertising targeting other people who want to get rich buying bitcoin. Peter said he thought the conference was probably not the best move. “Look, I only hold Bitcoin now, and I think if we want to ensure people don’t talk about Craig Wright any more, I should probably do a 10 part podcast series discussing ways we can avoid talking about Craig Wright. I might see if Kraken wants to sponsor it, even though I should tell you I only hold Bitcoin now. I know the blonde nerd in charge of Kraken hates Craig. Hey don’t tell him I said he’s a nerd. Honestly everyone at these conferences are nerds. I tried to talk about AC/DC with one group of people and they all thought I was an electrical engineer discussing alternating current or something. Hey have I told you I only hold Bitcoin now?”

Dear Daniel - Retarded Bitcoin Media

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Dear Daniel,

I have an issue with the media in Bitcoin. How do we make sure the influx of retarded journalist doesn't make the same mistake with BSV?

Sincerely,

SN


Dear SN,

All articles should have proof-of-work associated with their hashes.

Only read articles with the highest proof-of-work. This will make bullshit too costly for retarded journalists and they will shut up.

Daniel Krawisz.


Daniel Krawisz runs this Bitcoin advice column “Dear Daniel”. Message us on Twitter if you’d like to submit a question for Daniel. Daniel Krawisz can be followed on twitter @DanielKrawisz

Following reputation collapse Binance charging to de-list a coin

In what is being described as a “creative” new revenue stream, unregulated cryptocurrency exchange Binance is offering token developer teams the opportunity to be de-listed from Binance for a substantial fee.

The move came after an extremely suspicious hack on Binance, and the following open discussions about asking miners to carry out the biggest block re-org in the history of BTC.

“When I read what they were planning to do I had to double check I wasn’t reading the Onion,” says dev team leader of Cosmos, @Hacktheplanet69. “We never asked to have our coin listed on Binance, and now that it’s there we’ve probably lost about three corporate contracts from large businesses who think we’re a scam coin. They just assume we’re associated with that friggin’ exchange. When I contacted Binance to get the coin removed, they said they wanted $2 million worth of BNB, their own shitcoin, in order for them to remove the coin!” @Hacktheplanet69 threw his coffee mug at his computer and didn’t want to continue the interview.

We spoke with CZ from Binance about the new costs. “Yes when I made the very wise decision not to roll the BTC blockchain back 250 blocks to recover our money because I care so much for the BTC community, for some reason all the applications we had for coins to be listed on Binance were withdrawn straight away. Then 4 teams representing coins that we had recently listed asked for their coins to be removed from Binance. On top of that the coin we delisted recently, BSV, pumped 10%. So now I can see there’s a big demand to NOT be listed on Binance. So we plan to innovate around that space, and we hope to be doing an ICO with a new token called Delist Coin. It’s a special utility token that gives you a 20% discount on the de-listing fees for Binance.”

Internal documents obtained by CBD show correspondence inside of Binance discussing jurisdictions that are friendly to this brand of extortion, with Binance considering a re-location of their company to South Sudan, Antarctica, or possibly a large boat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Dear Daniel - Can't use BTC; rejected by friends

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Welcome to the first instalment of a new advice column we call “Dear Daniel”, where you write in with your important cryptocoin questions and our resident Bitcoin expert Daniel Krawisz will answer them for you. Click here to get in touch and submit your questions. Daniel Krawisz, aka The Emperor of Bitcoin, is on Twitter at @DanielKrawisz.


Dear Daniel,

I recently had to stop using BTC in my business as it took over two weeks for a transaction to get confirmed. But now my friends have disowned me and told me I’m an enemy of Bitcoin and that Bitcoin doesn’t care about my business. I’m very confused and would like some guidance.

Sincerely,

A. User


Dear User,

Do not be alarmed. The effect you have described is due to a bug in BTC which affects the way that it controls its human hosts. Bitcoin was originally supposed to adapt all knowledge in its hosts to profit-seeking, but due to the bug, your friends' minds have been erased instead.

The bug has been fixed in the latest version, but unfortunately you will have to find new friends.

Daniel

Binance fighting “fraud” with currency they printed out of thin air

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Today, the CEO of Binance whose name you can’t pronounce so just call him CZ, announced a noble effort to fund legal costs for anyone sued by Craig Wright. 

We spoke with CZ about his generous offer of $10,000 worth of BNB token to save twitter trolls from consenquenses of their actions. 

 “I really want those poor souls who organised a week long deliberate campaign of defamation and attacks and twitter pile-ons to have justice,” said CZ. “No one should suffer just because they launched a deliberate campaign attacking someone on the internet and called for their tens of thousands of followers to join in a relentless week long attack with a specific hashtag and everything. People need to be free to engage in that kind of behavour without any need to justify it and without consequence. It’s widely agreed that unaccountable anonymous mobs are great for democracy and a healthy society. I learned that at a Bitcoin Core dev meetup.”

”And because I’m the most generous man in the world I want everyone to send us money to fund the legal costs for these poor trolls. I’m even donating $10,000 worth of BNB token to help the fund. Sure, I just printed that money out of thin air and it didn’t cost me a single cent.”

CBD asked CZ on the legality of issuing his own currency.   

“Look, let’s not use horrible words like fraud or illegal. I’ve fled multiple countries with this business because people keep using nasty words like those. True, some might say that some of the trading on our exchange is suspicious, and maybe we took bribes to list some coins, and I probably shouldn’t mention we’re one of the biggest sellers of that fractional reserve coin Tether.” At this point CZ was talking very fast but paused to take a massive draw on a cigarette. 

”But hey, it’s important we don’t focus on Binance’s behaviour right now. It’s important we focus on Craig Wright and how he’s a fraud and people should have free speech and freedom to coordinate attack campaigns on social media with no consequence. That’s what crypto is all about. I’m also offering 50% trading discounts to anyone who hashtags #Binanceisthemosthonestexchangeintheworld this week.”

We asked CZ about the consequences of bringing more attention to the questionable currency Binance had created, and other practices widely frowned upon by the exchange, including the highly irrregular movements of Tether as documented in a viral video this week. 

“Errrrrr... you’re meant to not ask that question. We’re only here to talk about how generous I am and we can all point at Craig Wright and shout fraud and then no one needs to talk about Binance!”

CBD followed up by asking CZ what he thought about the 20 year sentence for money laundering handed to the founder of Liberty Reserve and whether any money laundering had taken place on Binance.

However CZ spat out his coffee so violently it ruined our microphone, and he then said he didn’t know about this detail and suddenly felt very sick and had to leave.