Tone Vays predicts BTC price will likely either go up or down

In his latest “Trading BTC” YouTube video, famed BTC trading advisor made the bold prediction that the price of BTC might actually go down in the coming days.

Mr Vays also pointed out that alternatively, if the BTC price doesn’t go down it will instead go up.

Tone Vays has an incredible track record with BTC price predictions, having predicted last months BTC price spike perfectly when he said “the price could go down further from here but let’s be honest, it could also go up”.

Tone Vays spoke with us about his incredible track record of making profits from trading.

CBD: So you’re essentially living off BTC these days?

Vays: I’ve found trading BTC to be incredibly profitable. I basically make a full time living from it.

CBD: So you trade successfully then?

Vays: No, I charge people 0.2 BTC for in person trading training sessions. I’d never trade myself. That’s madness. I make WAY more money this way.

CBD: Some people say your predictions are very vague and always have caveats so you can claim you were never wrong. What do you say to that?

Vays: Those people don’t understand trading terminology. Anyone who’s done my trading course would know what I meant when I say something like ‘this dead cat bounce is a bull trap pushing the resistance but if we break the 200 day MA then we can expect upward or downward pressure to cause a breakout depending on the flying cross close on day 9 of the trend’.

CBD: That’s a lot of trader lingo. Your training course must be really in depth.

Vays: Yes it is. You will learn all about what those candles mean, and what the open and close prices indicate about the future.

CBD: Why do you use open and close prices when crypto markets never actually open and close?

Vays: errr….

CBD: Haven’t all the big moves recently just been at the whim of whales? Can charts really predict what some billionaire is going to do on any given day?

Vays: Well… umm…. Look, altcoins are scams, alright. I support BTC so I’m not a scammer, clearly. I was at a conference recently where I was depicted as a knight protecting BTC so I’m one of the good guys. Your questions are making me uncomfortable.

CBD: Sorry, just trying to learn. Can you tell us what your prediction is for the coming weeks based on the charts?

Vays: Yes, it’s pretty obvious actually. There’s a good chance that if the price moves up from here we can expect it to keep going up, but if it starts to fall, that might mean we’re heading south.

CBD: Very clear. Thanks for your time Mr Vays.

Vin Armani wins "Most Influential Bitcoiner" award as voted by Vin Armani

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The 2018 MIB (Most Influential Bitcoiner Award) has been awarded to Vin Armani for the 4th consecutive year. The annual award ceremony, organised, hosted, and voted on by Vin Armani, is heralded by the event promotors as the night of nights in the crypto-sphere, and an opportunity for the public to discover who exactly is worth listening to in Bitcoin-land.

Voting is carried out solely by Vin Armani, a BCH developer who describes himself as “the most humble man in the world”.

In accepting his award this year, Vin shared the struggle the last 12 months has brought. “It’s been a difficult year for all of us. I don’t mean just the price of our investments. I mean that last month I found someone in crypto who hadn’t been reading all of my tweets. I felt so sorry for them. I mocked them of course, as that’s the only way for them to learn. But I just want to say a big congratulations to everyone who follows me on Twitter, and has alerts turned on. As someone who used to have a very successful TV show, it’s important that everyone on the internet understand that my opinion is the correct one.”

In attendance were many fellow BCH fans, including Roger Ver, who spoke with CBD after the award ceremony. “Is it weird that Vin is awarding himself these trophies? Maybe. But compared to the shit I’ve seen in crypto, this is pretty tame. I mean, have you heard of Zcash? It’s a crypto I helped launched that literally has a tax that’s taken out and given to the “founders”. I mean, I’m on record as saying tax is theft probably a million times, but I pumped a coin that has tax literally baked into the protocol. So I just want to congratulate Vin on his award, and I think he’s very handsome and intelligent for investing in the same coin I invest in.”

Greg Maxwell wins starring role in upcoming Tarantino psycho-thriller

News broke today in the crypto-sphere of Blockstream’s most beloved son Greg Maxwell landing the starring role in the upcoming Tarantino thriller about a man with split personality disorder who tries to destroy people he doesn’t like.

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Director and producer Quentin Tarantino spoke with CoinBlockDesk about the surprising choice for the coveted role. “Maxwell isn’t encumbered by something most people carry, and that’s a moral compass. He has absolutely no problem deceiving people into believing he’s someone he’s not, and this means he will be able to act in a convincing way that few actors ever achieve. I’ve seen conversations held by Greg on Reddit by himself, where he was 3 different people discussing an issue. He’s already been able to trick thousands of idiots online into believing paying high fees when they send money online is a good thing. I’m super confident he’ll be able to convince any audience that he’s our lead character, Charlatan, who has an untold number of personalities he uses to manipulate and control others.”

Mr Maxwell said he was thrilled to accept the role. “When I heard about the offer, I was in the middle of seeding some new automated malware that DDOSes any website with the words Craig Wright in it. I was so thrilled about the award I had to stop straight away and share with my friends on Reddit. Literally ALL the comments were so supportive. It’s a shame I won’t be able to focus on my first love, that is running my bespoke collection of twitter accounts. But I think ultimately this movie role is what I’ve been training for my whole life. All those countless conversations with myself on Reddit and Twitter ended up paying off. Grammy always said I was going mad and should put some clothes on and go outside. WELL WHO’S LAUGHING NOW GRAMMY?!!! YEAH THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR DISCONNECTING THE WIFI! I TOLD YOU I KNEW HOW TO MAKE MUSTARD GAS! YOUR FUNERAL WASN’T EVEN PACKED!”

Mr Maxwell wasn’t lying about the outpouring of support on Reddit. User “Contrarian” expressed solidarity with Greg. “Well done friend,” said Contrarian. “You deserve this more than anyone I know. If you ever need help with the role just reach out.” Another user, Nullc, also shared those sentiments. “Personally, I’m pulling out the champaign [sic] that you landed this awesome role. Amazing work. You’re going to be great at this. I should know.”

Craig Wright thanks BCH / BTC supporters for free advertising

Following the U.S. Copyright Office awarding Bitcoin inventor Craig Wright registrations for the whitepaper and early computer code, social media has exploded with news of the event, coinciding with a massive increase in the BSV price.

CBD spoke with Dr Wright about the news, and the support he has been shown by the BTC and BCH communities.

“I have been looking forward to announcing this, but honestly the reception has been beyond my wildest dreams. For example Vin Armani, who I confess I’ve clashed with in the past, has been kind enough to post over 20 times on Twitter to his audience about the copyright registration. Peter McCormack, who believe it or not I’m actually suing, recently tweeted that EVERYONE needed to read the Bloomberg article about the copyright, and I’ve even gone viral on r/Bitcoin. They normally ban anyone who says “craig”. The publicity has been overwhelming, and it’s helped drive the BSV price way up there.”

Dr Wright asked that a warm-hearted thanks be shared with those who have been so generous in sharing the news. “I was actually trending on Twitter, even the Telegram BTC Permabulls group run by that Tether shill Alistair Milne was promoting me, and I basically struggled to find a BTC shill account on social media that wasn’t talking about me. Every altcoin shill account was talking about the great news too. I really don’t think there’s any amount of money or planning that could have pulled off a marketing effort like this. I just want to say a massive thank you to the BCH and BTC camps for their generosity.”

We reached out to Vin Armani about his generous publicity of the copyright registration, but he just started talking about archetypes and antichrists and dragons and stuff and it got super weird so we cut it short.

BTC investors add "copyright" to list of things that are definitely not proof of being Satoshi

Following the announcement that Craig Wright successfully registered copyright of the Bitcoin Whitepaper and the Bitcoin software, BTC supporters have updated their list of things they would definitely never accept as evidence of Craig Wright being Satoshi.

Jameson Lopp, speaking to CBD, said he should have thought about it earlier but had been too busy cleaning his assault rifle collection. “Yeah, so basically if he signed something, that doesn’t prove he’s Satoshi, same if he moves the coins. All that proves is he has the keys. So if he ever does that we’ll just say he murdered the real Satoshi. Also if he has receipts for domain registrations, that doesn’t count. The testimony from Joseph VaugnPerling, a respected member of the crypto community, doesn’t count because… well, I dunno, and of course other witnesses saying he invented Bitcoin don’t count either. And now I have to add winning copyright over the Bitcoin whitepaper or code isn’t evidence either. I should say, winning in court isn’t evidence either because I’m smarter than any judge, just ask my twitter followers.”

We asked what Mr Lopp would accept as evidence of Dr Wright being Satoshi, the inventor of Bitcoin. “Well, I thought about it, and basically I’m too deep into this Craig is a Fraud cult, that I really don’t think I can ever back out. Me and G Max have just decided that whatever evidence comes to light we’ll just shout “LOL” until we can come up with a plausible explanation as to why Craig can’t have been Satoshi.”

We also spoke to our good friend Peter McCormack about the news. “Mate, I don’t understand bitcoin, and I don’t understand the legal system. But I’ll challenge Craig to a drinking competition. If he wins, I’ll tweet that he’s Satoshi and I’ll buy 3 Bitcoin SV coins. If I win, he has to give me his lambo for the weekend.”

Giacomo Zucco wins coveted "Most Petty Blocks on Twitter" award

The annual BLOCKstream Propaganda Awards, BTC’s most anticipated evening of the year, was held recently in San Fransisco, California, where Core stars and aspiring hangers-on gathered a-plenty to eat dead animal flesh and gloat over their self importance with respect to all things cryptocurrency.

After plenty of “shitcoin” lines from MC for the evening, Saifedean Ammous, a surprise appearance from Nick Szabo was met with chants of SA-TOE-SHEE from the slightly inebriated mob.

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Eventually the main event for the evening arrived, the announcement of the winner of the highly prized “Most Petty Blocks on Twitter” (MPB) Award.

Nominees this year included:

Samson Mow, for blocking everyone who shared any statistics on the failing “Liquid” network.

Mr Hodl, for blocking a young girl scout who dared ask him if he could pay for his cookies with “crypto”.

Saifedean Ammous, for blocking anyone who didn’t think he was as smart as his idol Nassim Taleb.

Francis Pouliot, for blocking about 3500 different people who claimed that he is an arrogant, condescending twerp.

Giacomo Zucco, for blocking anyone in the BTC camp who acknowledged the existence of Bitcoin SV or Bitcoin Cash.

Max Keiser, for blocking an orphanage on Twitter that accepted donations in Bitcoin SV.

Betting on the event was very tight, with the slight majority of pundits predicting BLOCKstream’s Samson Mow to take away the victory, simply by way of insider vote manipulation, as the event is sponsored by BLOCKstream and it was presumed they would tamper with the vote.

However, to everyone’s surprise and delight, the winner announced was Giacomo Zucco.

In receiving the award, Mr Zucco was at pains to point out that all he was doing was his moral duty. Balanced on a milk crate to reach the microphone, Mr Zucco said, “Fuck that fucking Peter McCormack. He pretends to be a bitcoiner but no-one can be so stupid to still be asking basic fucking questions every episode. He’s a snake, and he’s a fraud, and everyone should block him right now! Last week on Twitter I saw him say people might get confused between Bitcoin and Bitcoin Cash. Well, I didn’t bother to look at the context he was saying that in, but just the fact that he mentioned BeeCash was enough for me to lay down the hammer!”

Cheers erupted from the audience, as Giacomo concluded. “Next year I hope to improve my block game by being sure to block anyone who doesn’t swear fealty to the Core team and Small Blocks, and if I find that they don’t actually run their own Core node AND lightning node, I will probably DDOS them.”

Mr McCormack, who was called out by Mr Zucco in the acceptance speech, was in attendance at the event, and spoke with CoinBlockDesk about the block which won Giacomo his first MPB award. “Jesus Christ. I don’t know what I have to do to get accepted by these lunatics. I mean, I baited Craig Wright by calling him a fraud until he finally sued me, I mock Bitcoin SV every day on Twitter, even though I have literally zero idea if there’s actually anything wrong with it technically, and I sold ALL my alt-coins and now only own BTC. I honestly just wanted to make friends and be accepted into their group, because I haven’t really got anything else going on in my life. But these morons don’t actually allow thinking. I was supposed to just memorise the doctrines without questioning them. When I said “I can understand the big blocker perspective” I think that really upset them. Now I don’t know what to do. I either have to repent for my sins and try and win their acceptance again, or they’ll basically keep calling me a fraud. God, I would never call someone a fraud publicly without evidence. I can’t believe they’re doing this to me.”

BTC targets sadomasochist community to find people happy with pain of paying high fees

Leaks from the Satoshi Roundtable conference (a totally transparent but exclusive invite-only Bitcoin meet-up) show decisions being made by BTC influencers to target community groups where parallels between BTC and their community’s ethos are already present. An almost a unanimous vote to target the sadomasochist community was carried out.

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CoinBlockDesk managed to get hold of the vote details, and we spoke with several attendees who asked to remain anonymous because they didn’t want Bruce Fenton to fork their RavenCoin holdings off his “decentralised” network.

Our first contact, who we’ll call TotallyNotWayneVaughan, told us the reasoning for the move. “Yeah we looked at the problem of high fees, and weighed up our options. Basically we’re faced with two choices. Increase the block size as per Satoshi’s original plan so fees remain low and BTC is usable, or we target people who like pain and will be happy to pay high fees. Well someone wearing a lion mask with a Canadian accent suggested instead of raising the block size we just target people who love self harm.”

TotallyNotWayneVaughan said he was a little confused at first. “I didn’t understand to be honest. I thought it would be far simpler just to double the block size. I mean, my freaking iPhone has 256GB of storage. I’m pretty sure anyone running a node could just grab an external drive off ebay if needed. But then I googled sadomasochist and apparently they’re people who love pain. Well, let me tell you, there’s nothing more painful than paying $13 transaction fees on a $30 Dreammarket purchase of um… tinctures. So maybe we can just tell them all about how much pain they can give themselves by trying to use BTC as money!”

Fellow attendee, who we’ll call Lameson Jopp, said the move was really insightful. “What I’d say to everyone questioning this is, just go and purchase a $300 Casa node so you can be a true Bitcoiner, eat more meat, and self flagellate every day by paying stupid-high transaction fees to open and close lightning channels. And if you want to spread the message of BTC, join your local dungeon sex cult and tell them they can have pain all day long, not just Friday nights, if they send BTC to each other at 300 sats/byte.”

New conference launches focused on avoiding discussion of Craig Wright

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Following the viral popularity of a Craig Wright themed talk at the Coin Center dinner during the “Consensus” Conference in New York this week, several influential voices in the space have announced the launch of the annual “Don’t talk about Craig Wright” conference.

Neeraj Agrawal, Chief Shitposter at Coin Center, spoke with us briefly about his thoughts on the new conference. “Yeah look we don’t really have a lot to do at Coin Center other than write letters to politicians, so using some of our funding to attend another conference is a great idea if you ask me. And as far as the focus of the conference goes, I think it’s important we all stop talking about Craig Wright so he can’t influence this space any more. And the best way we can do that is to have an annual conference focused on just that.”

Mr Agrawal’s colleague, Peter Van Valkenburgh, echoed Mr Agrawal’s sentiments. “Yes our talk and dinner we hosted focussed on Dr Wright was a big hit. And so based on that there’s clearly a need for people to come together regularly to focus on ways to not talk about Craig Wright.”

We asked why the focus of the dinner was on Craig Wright.

“People really need an enemy in order to feel united. I learned that watching Independence Day with Will Smith. All those aliens made people realise it didn’t matter what nationality they were, they all hated aliens. And Craig is our alien. So if we can get the crypto community to just focus on hating Craig, then we might be able to stymie some of the toxic inter-coin fighting that goes on at these conferences. You should have seen the boys from the Noded podcast on day one of Consensus. They were actually throwing pieces of raw lamb wrapped in pages of The Bitcoin Standard at EOS developers. It was only when I started to talk about Craig Wright that everyone calmed down and realised they had so much in common. So I believe Craig Wright, regardless of whether or not he actually invented Bitcoin, is a force that can unite the world.”

Ripple, MtGox, and Stellar founder, Jeb McCaleb, also had shining things to say about the conference. “Honestly, whenever someone questions me about my involvement in Mt Gox, or Ripple, or any other shitcoin I’ve launched, all I have to do is say “How about that Craig guy!” and immediately the person likes me and buys whatever I’m selling. It’s become my go-to move, and I suggest anyone who is launching an ICO simply to put “Craig Wright is not allowed to buy this” in their whitepaper and it will be a guaranteed hit. I think this conference is a great idea. We need to discuss more ways of how to focus on not making a big deal about Craig. Whenever we talk about him, more people investigate him and some actually listen to what he says and realise it makes a lot of sense. We can’t have that. Craig says things like “there should only be one blockchain.” Having launched at least two myself that I can recall, I don’t want a voice like that gaining influence. In fact, I hope to launch another cryptocurrency at this conference next year. You know what they say, the world needs lots of difference currencies to make things simpler.”

Not everyone felt the same way about the conference. We had a chat with Peter McCormack from the “What Bitcoin Did” podcast, a podcast focussing on the journey of someone who wanted to get rich buying crypto but after losing it all trying to be a miner even though he didn’t know what a difficulty adjustment was, found that it was more sustainable to simply sell advertising targeting other people who want to get rich buying bitcoin. Peter said he thought the conference was probably not the best move. “Look, I only hold Bitcoin now, and I think if we want to ensure people don’t talk about Craig Wright any more, I should probably do a 10 part podcast series discussing ways we can avoid talking about Craig Wright. I might see if Kraken wants to sponsor it, even though I should tell you I only hold Bitcoin now. I know the blonde nerd in charge of Kraken hates Craig. Hey don’t tell him I said he’s a nerd. Honestly everyone at these conferences are nerds. I tried to talk about AC/DC with one group of people and they all thought I was an electrical engineer discussing alternating current or something. Hey have I told you I only hold Bitcoin now?”

Dear Daniel - Retarded Bitcoin Media

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Dear Daniel,

I have an issue with the media in Bitcoin. How do we make sure the influx of retarded journalist doesn't make the same mistake with BSV?

Sincerely,

SN


Dear SN,

All articles should have proof-of-work associated with their hashes.

Only read articles with the highest proof-of-work. This will make bullshit too costly for retarded journalists and they will shut up.

Daniel Krawisz.


Daniel Krawisz runs this Bitcoin advice column “Dear Daniel”. Message us on Twitter if you’d like to submit a question for Daniel. Daniel Krawisz can be followed on twitter @DanielKrawisz

Following reputation collapse Binance charging to de-list a coin

In what is being described as a “creative” new revenue stream, unregulated cryptocurrency exchange Binance is offering token developer teams the opportunity to be de-listed from Binance for a substantial fee.

The move came after an extremely suspicious hack on Binance, and the following open discussions about asking miners to carry out the biggest block re-org in the history of BTC.

“When I read what they were planning to do I had to double check I wasn’t reading the Onion,” says dev team leader of Cosmos, @Hacktheplanet69. “We never asked to have our coin listed on Binance, and now that it’s there we’ve probably lost about three corporate contracts from large businesses who think we’re a scam coin. They just assume we’re associated with that friggin’ exchange. When I contacted Binance to get the coin removed, they said they wanted $2 million worth of BNB, their own shitcoin, in order for them to remove the coin!” @Hacktheplanet69 threw his coffee mug at his computer and didn’t want to continue the interview.

We spoke with CZ from Binance about the new costs. “Yes when I made the very wise decision not to roll the BTC blockchain back 250 blocks to recover our money because I care so much for the BTC community, for some reason all the applications we had for coins to be listed on Binance were withdrawn straight away. Then 4 teams representing coins that we had recently listed asked for their coins to be removed from Binance. On top of that the coin we delisted recently, BSV, pumped 10%. So now I can see there’s a big demand to NOT be listed on Binance. So we plan to innovate around that space, and we hope to be doing an ICO with a new token called Delist Coin. It’s a special utility token that gives you a 20% discount on the de-listing fees for Binance.”

Internal documents obtained by CBD show correspondence inside of Binance discussing jurisdictions that are friendly to this brand of extortion, with Binance considering a re-location of their company to South Sudan, Antarctica, or possibly a large boat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Dear Daniel - Can't use BTC; rejected by friends

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Welcome to the first instalment of a new advice column we call “Dear Daniel”, where you write in with your important cryptocoin questions and our resident Bitcoin expert Daniel Krawisz will answer them for you. Click here to get in touch and submit your questions. Daniel Krawisz, aka The Emperor of Bitcoin, is on Twitter at @DanielKrawisz.


Dear Daniel,

I recently had to stop using BTC in my business as it took over two weeks for a transaction to get confirmed. But now my friends have disowned me and told me I’m an enemy of Bitcoin and that Bitcoin doesn’t care about my business. I’m very confused and would like some guidance.

Sincerely,

A. User


Dear User,

Do not be alarmed. The effect you have described is due to a bug in BTC which affects the way that it controls its human hosts. Bitcoin was originally supposed to adapt all knowledge in its hosts to profit-seeking, but due to the bug, your friends' minds have been erased instead.

The bug has been fixed in the latest version, but unfortunately you will have to find new friends.

Daniel

Binance fighting “fraud” with currency they printed out of thin air

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Today, the CEO of Binance whose name you can’t pronounce so just call him CZ, announced a noble effort to fund legal costs for anyone sued by Craig Wright. 

We spoke with CZ about his generous offer of $10,000 worth of BNB token to save twitter trolls from consenquenses of their actions. 

 “I really want those poor souls who organised a week long deliberate campaign of defamation and attacks and twitter pile-ons to have justice,” said CZ. “No one should suffer just because they launched a deliberate campaign attacking someone on the internet and called for their tens of thousands of followers to join in a relentless week long attack with a specific hashtag and everything. People need to be free to engage in that kind of behavour without any need to justify it and without consequence. It’s widely agreed that unaccountable anonymous mobs are great for democracy and a healthy society. I learned that at a Bitcoin Core dev meetup.”

”And because I’m the most generous man in the world I want everyone to send us money to fund the legal costs for these poor trolls. I’m even donating $10,000 worth of BNB token to help the fund. Sure, I just printed that money out of thin air and it didn’t cost me a single cent.”

CBD asked CZ on the legality of issuing his own currency.   

“Look, let’s not use horrible words like fraud or illegal. I’ve fled multiple countries with this business because people keep using nasty words like those. True, some might say that some of the trading on our exchange is suspicious, and maybe we took bribes to list some coins, and I probably shouldn’t mention we’re one of the biggest sellers of that fractional reserve coin Tether.” At this point CZ was talking very fast but paused to take a massive draw on a cigarette. 

”But hey, it’s important we don’t focus on Binance’s behaviour right now. It’s important we focus on Craig Wright and how he’s a fraud and people should have free speech and freedom to coordinate attack campaigns on social media with no consequence. That’s what crypto is all about. I’m also offering 50% trading discounts to anyone who hashtags #Binanceisthemosthonestexchangeintheworld this week.”

We asked CZ about the consequences of bringing more attention to the questionable currency Binance had created, and other practices widely frowned upon by the exchange, including the highly irrregular movements of Tether as documented in a viral video this week. 

“Errrrrr... you’re meant to not ask that question. We’re only here to talk about how generous I am and we can all point at Craig Wright and shout fraud and then no one needs to talk about Binance!”

CBD followed up by asking CZ what he thought about the 20 year sentence for money laundering handed to the founder of Liberty Reserve and whether any money laundering had taken place on Binance.

However CZ spat out his coffee so violently it ruined our microphone, and he then said he didn’t know about this detail and suddenly felt very sick and had to leave.

Adam Back questioned on his support of fraudulent exchange Bitfinex, starts screaming "CRAIG WRIGHT"

Blockstream CEO Adam Back had what appeared to be a break down of sorts when discussing his outspoken support of embattled exchange Bitfinex recently at the HODLtillyouDIEit’snotaPonzi conference in Amsterdam.

The host of the event began questioning Mr Back about his support for Tether, Bitfinex, and the company that owns them both, Ifinex, after it came to light that Tether had been lying to the public for some time, and potentially fraudulent loans between the businesses in an attempt to cover up over $800 M of missing funds occurred.

The trouble started when the host used the “f” word, pointing out that the wide consensus was that Bitfinex and Tether had run an elaborate “fraud”.

“Fraud!?” yelled Adam Back. “Craig Wright is a fraud! Craig is the fraud!”

“Sure,” said the host. “But Mr Wright has never done an ICO, issued a stable coin and lied about it being audited, had funds confiscated as part of a money laundering investigation, or carried out fractional reserve banking in an illegal manner. Craig Wright is just a guy on the internet claiming to be someone famous, and he hasn’t actually taken anyone’s money. Many would say that compared to Tether and Bitfinex, Craig’s hands seem pretty clean.”

“Craig is the fraud!” screamed Mr Back in response. It appeared that Mr Back was in tears. His second in command, Samson Mow, assisted a limp Adam Back from the stage while moans of “craig is the fraud” could still be heard until someone at the audio desk finally cued up Tina Turner’s “The Best”.

Samson Mow spoke with CoinBlockDesk later in the foyer about the unusual event.

“Yeah I realise Bitfinex and Tether are literally the complete opposite of everything we’ve ever said Bitcoin stands for. But honestly, this lightning shit isn’t working out as planned, the number of active channels on the lightning network is actually falling believe it or not, and since we already scared away all the businesses we can’t think of anything else BTC is good for except to play trading games on exchanges. Besides, Adam bought heavily in when it fell to $9500 USD thinking that was the bottom, and he’s been doing what he can to get BTC back up to there so he can break even. We don’t need tether to go on forever, just maybe 6 more months or so, and then a bunch of us can cash out and let Bitfinex go bankrupt.”

The “BTC faithful”, as Mr Mow phrased it, are asked to keep putting their weekly tithes into BTC, and screenshotting their purchases while tagging them on social media #stackingsats. Mr Mow assures us that BTC will definitely rise in value forever despite not being usable in a business setting, as long as everyone just HODLs and keeps buying no matter what.

Best way to help BTC is not to use it, say investors

With the BTC mempool being more or less clogged for the better part of a month, BTC investors are now discussing ways to best improve Bitcoin Core. And it’s been widely agreed that what would really assist BTC is if people stopped using it.

This post on reddit from gemeinsam pretty much summed up the consensus among investors, namely that BTC would be awesome if other people just stopped using it.

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We spoke with one such investor about the move to discourage use of the BTC network, twitter user @defnotabot69. “I’ve been saying this for years. People need to stop on-boarding their friends by demonstrating Bitcoin. That’s the worst thing you can do. And for the love of God don’t actually use it to buy something. There are only really two acceptable use cases for the BTC network. One is arbitrage trading between exchanges, and the other is withdrawing from an exchange to hodl. Anything else is spam and you’re an enemy of Bitcoin if you do that. If we catch you we will harass you relentlessly until you either commit suicide or disappear forever.”

But not everyone agreed with @defnotabot69. Bitcoin investor and Reddit communications expert u/imagunnahodltillidie69 said he was confused by the message. “I don’t understand this at all. If people don’t use BTC for their little shitty coffee purchases, we risk not clogging up the mempool. I thought the goal was to drive up fees to $1000 each to prove that we’re a global settlement layer. That’s what Pierre and Saifedean told me. So I think we should all be sending money back and forth to ourselves just to make sure that we overfill the mempool and then investors pay even higher fees and this will encourage mining and improve the security. It’s basic economics.”

We ran both of these arguments by an actual economist but his eyes rolled so far back in his head that he went temporarily blind and was unable to complete the interview.

Doctors issue warnings as Bitcoin investor hospitalised after hitting own head against wall listening to “What Bitcoin Did”

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A Bitcoin investor is in hospital today after listening to the latest interview by Peter McCormack on the What Bitcoin Did podcast. His doctor spoke with the media earlier today describing the situation. 

“It’s an all too common story to be honest,” said Dr Smith. “From what we could tell, the podcast host said “I’m not technical enough” for the twentieth time then proceeded to try and refute a really well explained point made by the guest. In such circumstances it’s very common for listeners to become so frustrated they involuntarily slam their heads against nearby hard surfaces, such as desks, walls, or computer monitors.”

The interview in question appears to have been with Peter Rizun, a notable “big block” advocate in the Bitcoin community, who was discussing SPV wallets, the pitfalls of the Lightning network, and the likelihood of everyone ending up with custodial wallets if the Lightning network was ever to be used. 

“I had a listen to the interview myself,” said Dr Smith, “and for the life of me I can’t figure out what a guy like this Peter bloke is doing pretending to be an authority on Bitcoin. He appears to have no technical understanding at all. At one point I swear I heard him say he hadn’t looked into Bitcoin SV at all, but I checked his twitter account and he appears to be informing his large audience that it’s definitely a scam. Imagine if someone with no biology or medical understanding ran a popular surgery podcast! It would be a laughing stock. My fear is we’re going to see more self inflicted head trauma from people who listen to podcasts like this. We think they really need to come with a warning of some sort.”

New Bitcoin Core update allows you to control your twitter troll army from inside app

The Bitcoin Core dev team have announced a new update to the Bitcoin Core software, version 0.18.666. In the release notes for the update, the Core team discuss a much requested feature that has finally arrived, namely the ability for node users to manage their hundreds of anonymous Twitter troll accounts from inside the Core software itself.

CBD spoke with Dragon’s Den organiser and Core developer BTCDrak about the exciting update.

“Yeah we’ve been discussing the feature for a long time. Ever since proof leaked of the Core team running an organised social media troll army, we figured there’s no point hiding it any more, and we should give all Bitcoin users the ability to participate in the social media anon troll account movement. We want the troll army to be as decentralised as possible, so now the Core software gives you the ability to automatically shitpost, participate in twitter pile-ons, auto-follow other BTC twitter trolls, and there’s even pre-poulated text that you can use for your twitter bot accounts to automatically post.”

Other devs weren’t completely thrilled with the feature. One dev who asked not to be named said he was very disappointed with the decision. “Jesus fucking christ what the actual fuck is wrong with those dragon’s den morons, since when is the real world even on twitter?! I told them they had to put Facebook and instagram bot integration into Core, not Twitter integration. These idiots don’t know the first thing about manipulating social media. I’m thinking we might need to fork off so we can have a version of Core that runs Facebook troll armies instead. This is an important issue for the future of Bitcoin so expect a hash-war soon.”

Have your say in the comments: Do you think Bitcoin Core should have had a Facebook troll army tool instead of the the Twitter troll army tool, or is Twitter the right decision?

BTC investor reaps massive ROI with 45 retweets

Part time security guard and BTC investor Jordan Jones (@JJBTC4eva69) says his investment in BTC was starting to pay off, with a recent tweet receiving 45 retweets and counting.

“Yeah I bought Bitcoin when it was about $20,000 on the advice of some prominent twitter accounts like Parabolic Trav, but the price tanked. Then I saw Adam Back say he was still buying when it hit $9000 so I bought more too just like I was encouraged to.”

“Well my fiancé left me, but finally my investment appears to be paying off... not money-wise of course, but with influence on twitter.”

Mr Jones shared with CBD the story of his amazing run up to achieving the high numbers that have left other investors extremely jealous.

“The other day I changed by avatar to the hodlonaut cat and I tweeted #weareallhodlonaut with a middle finger emoji and I got like 6 retweets and 14 likes. So that was super encouraging. I started to think maybe BTC was a good investment after all.”

“So I looked for some more opportunities to jump on this bandwagon and finally spotted my chance. I came across this YouTube video where Gavin Andresen explains how Craig Wright used cryptography or some shit to prove he had a genesis key or something, I have no idea what that is, and I decided to tweet the video along with the words What an idiot! #delistBSV”

“Well it worked a treat, I got sooo many retweets, and my phone has been pinging like crazy. It’s had like 45 retweets so far which is basically viral. @HODLdeezBTCNUTZ told me I clearly knew my stuff and suggested I go on the What Bitcoin Did podcast.”

We asked if Jordan had plans to keep buying BTC.

“Dude I’m completely broke and the credit card is maxxed. I’ve been stealing other people’s screenshots of their Cashapp bitcoin purchases so I can join in the hashtag #stackinsats. So no, I’m just hoping we can make it back to 16 grand and I’m dumping the lot. That’s partly why I have to keep encouraging others to buy this thing, so I can get my money back from someone else buying in. Heck, I can’t use this as currency because the fees to spend it fluctuate too much. But I’ve realised you don’t actually need to own any Bitcoin to be a Bitcoin influencer anyway. I might even set up some more Twitter accounts and retweet myself a bit.”

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Satoshi Nakamoto Institute distances itself from Satoshi Nakamoto

Founding member of the Satoshi Nakamoto Institute Pierre Rochard says despite the name of the foundation he helped establish, he felt Satoshi was probably someone he would block on Twitter today. 

“Look, big blockers are all idiots. But I was reading some stuff on the Institute’s website the other day and I realised that Satoshi was actually a big blocker. I have to be honest, that’s really dumb. I studied accounting and Austrian economics and let me assure you, economies do really well when fewer people can transact with each other. It seems to me I probably understand Bitcoin better than Satoshi himself.”

CBD: Why did you and your friends establish the Satoshi Nakamoto Institute?

“Basically we wanted to preserve the message of Satoshi and the clear Austrian economic thinking Bitcoin was founded on.”

CBD: But you disagree with him now?

“Yeah now I prefer to follow the writings of Luke Junior.”

CBD: And who’s he?

“He’s a BTC Core Developer, a Bible literalist and a devout catholic who believes that anyone who isn’t pure roman catholic will be tortured for all eternity in a lake of fire. Real smart guy and the founder of the small blocker movement. Luke now wants to shrink the BTC block size to 300kb. I’m thinking of suggesting 200kb to sound even more righteous. I mean, if 300 kb is good, 200kb has to be even better right? Hopefully we can push transaction fees right up again.” 

CBD: So you say you understand Bitcoin better than the inventor of Bitcoin?

“When you put it that way I guess it sounds like I don’t really know what I’m talking about and I’ve just been hoodwinked by a bunch of NPC sock puppet accounts on Twitter who are run by the dragon’s den and blockstream and others who want to make bank from routing fees on Lightning, and I’ve been sucked in by the attention and praise they pour on me. Ha ha.. heh hmmmmm… that could never… wait what were we talking about? Oh yeah. So, I’ve spoken with heaps of really smart developers. Have they ever run a profitable business? No, I guess not. Do they understand economics? No not really actually, I have to keep correcting them to be honest. Have they demonstrated success in other areas of their lives? errr…. I wouldn’t say so. But look, they know about coding and cryptography if you know about coding or cryptography you should basically get to decide the fate of how global currency works. The last thing we want is investors or miners with so called “skin in the game” having a say in how things work. It should be poor, young, inexperienced, and unemployed developers who all work for free to support the central vision and not people chasing their own well-being. Economies can’t function like that. I think that all makes … god damn it!!!”

We were unable to continue the interview as Pierre had just realised his Lightning node had crashed again and he needed to attend to it.


CoinBlockDesk caught up with Michael Goldstein (who likes to be called Bitstein) about the move by the Institute to distance itself from its namesake. 

“Look, I’m not saying I’m smarter than Satoshi. But it’s just that I don’t really want to disagree with Pierre. I saw how he turned on Daniel (Krawisz) when Daniel started pointing out that Satoshi wanted to scale Bitcoin on-chain and honestly I don’t really have the energy left to argue with Pierre. He scares me. I haven’t eaten a carb in 4 years and I’m too busy trying to lead the don’t-eat-junk-food cult that I have had to leave decisions for the Bitcoin Core cult to Pierre. Don’t tell Pierre, but I haven’t sold my forks anyway just in case Daniel is right. Hey do you know how to set up a lightning node? Pierre is coming over next month and I still haven’t figured out how to do it. God it’s complicated. Pierre will go ape-shit if he finds out.”


Fellow Nakamoto Institute founder Daniel Krawisz, was also kind enough to speak with CBD about his thoughts on the bizarre position the Institute has taken. 

“Yeah it’s confused me completely. It’s literally called the Nakamoto Institute and yet Pierre and Michael spend all their waking moments playing mental gymnastics trying to explain why Satoshi was wrong and why proof of work isn’t important. Instead they preach some kind of “community consensus” nonsense, which basically amounts to proof of social media as being how decisions get made in Bitcoin. It’s utterly moronic. Why do people think something with the word “Institute” in it is important anyway? Do people think we had offices where we employed people to do research or something? It’s just a freaking website with some stuff we copied and pasted from bitcointalk and a few rambling blog posts that accidentally started a moronic cult. We were basically young 20 somethings when we founded that thing. God, people in Bitcoin are so dumb. And how on earth does anyone think you can grow a global economy without the ability to actually make a profit or transact with each other! I feel like I’ve been taking crazy pills for the last 2 years. It’s so obvious Bitcoin needed big blocks. I can’t believe it was even a conversation!”

Daniel then referred us to his latest video which he said explained what Bitcoin was very accurately. Everyone in the CoinBlockDesk office blacked out after the bit about string theory and woke up 3 hours later with a stag effigy built from old GPU mining rigs in the middle of the main office and a Rick and Morty episode playing. 


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Confused exchange CEO threatens people who use legal system

Earlier today the CEO of well known cryptocurrency exchange Binance, made famous for its handy ability for crypto users to be able to swap their coins without having to provide any identification, thus avoid being tracked, expressed anger that someone in the bitcoin community dared to use the legal system to settle a complaint.

We spoke to some of the BTC community about CZ (known by this moniker to save english speaking people the embarrassment of trying to pronounce syllables that don’t appear on a McDonald’s menu) and the problem he had with Craig Wright using the legal system to establish that he wasn’t a fraud.

“Look, CZ may not be the most technically proficient person in this space,” said self proclaimed Bitcoin expert @justHODLuntilyoudie69. “And I really don’t think he should bother to speak with those in cryptography who testify to Craig actually being the inventor of Bitcoin because they must be lying too. But it’s well known that CZ really struggled to attract BTC maximalists to his business as Binance basically runs a shitcoin casino and work hard at evading certain laws.”

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“So my guess is he saw this opportunity to be one of the cool kids and we’re just letting him think it’s working. He’ll never actually be accepted as one of us though. He’s so dodgy. I think he’s a bigger scammer than Craig Wright even. I mean, when you think about it, Craig’s never even actually done an ICO, and he’s essentially just working on a version of Bitcoin that is trying to be like the whitepaper. I don’t agree with him, but as a BTC holder I ended up owning a heap of BCH and BSV too, so he hasn’t actually diluted my wealth at all. But I’m pretty sure that dodgy CZ just invented his own money for his exchange, plus he charges shitcoin devs to list, not to mention he basically wants a world with a million coins so he can keep making money. I really want a world with just one coin, as does Craig Wright I suppose, but we just disagree on the best way to achieve that.”

At this point in the interview @justHODLuntilyoudie69 started to stare off into the distance in what appeared to be deep self reflection, and we were unable to continue the interview.

Following CZ’s outrage at a business person using the courts to protect their reputation, many in the BTC camp attempted to spread a meme of “delist BSV” in an effort to have Bitcoin SV devalued and get exchanges to join in the virtue signalling. The attempt appears to have backfired though, as everyone in BSV agreed that they too would like BSV to be delisted from shitcoin casinos, as they wanted no part in the scam that was the crypto industry.

One BTC maximalist who spoke to us on condition of anonymity, because he didn’t want to be blocked by Giacomo Zucco and the other “influencers”, echoed the sentiments. “At first I was like yeah hashtag #delistBSV but then I remembered I hate Binance with all my heart and I would also like BTC to not be listed on that scammy casino. Heck I don’t even want BTC on Coinbase! I wish we had thought this through properly. Please don’t tell anyone I said this, it’s taken me ages to get up to 1300 followers and I don’t want to be blocked by my heroes and have to start a new twitter account. A year ago I got blocked by them all and kicked off r/bitcoin on reddit just for saying I didn’t like paying $50 fees and they called me a loser for actually using bitcoin and a fraud and a sockpuppet, so I’m a bit nervous to say what I really think now.”

Crypto wannabe influencer and vapid slogan poster Tony Pompolonomponloiono also chimed in on the matter. “Frankly, it’s appalling that anyone should take someone to court. I mean, just because that Hodlonaut account launched a week long campaign specifically designed to defame and denigrate Craig Wright labelling him a fraud and calling for everyone else in BTC to join in, doesn’t mean Hodlonaut should have to actually prove that the allegation of fraud has merit. We have free speech in America. That means there’s never any consequences for anything you say, everyone knows that! I mean, if we didn’t have free speech we wouldn’t be able to constantly promise noobs that Lighting will work soon even though we have no idea how to make that happen.”

We pointed out that neither Craig Wright nor Hodlonaut were in the USA. “I thought the whole world just copied our laws. Isn’t that how it works? Anyway, exchanges should all delist BSV and also I really hope more people follow me on Twitter. I’ve built this really useful bot that auto follows people then unfollows them. I’ve been called a scammer heaps because of that, so I’m really hoping my virtue signalling on this matter redeems me in the eyes of BTC maximalists.”

A spokesperson from Binance said they were great fans of the legal system as long as it didn’t involve courts, the judiciary, voting, politicians, laws, civil proceedings, criminal proceedings, borders, accountability, responsibility, patents, copyrights, or consequences of any kind. They also said Suits really went downhill after season 4.

Full time crypto trader explains why he needs to promote men's deodorant on Twitter

Surprising a number of his followers with a recent deodorant sponsored post on Twitter was self proclaimed successful full time crypto trader @cryptobossman69gainz.

Following the tweet many of the followers thought it was brilliant satire by the allegedly wealthy investor who would never need to stoop to such depths as promoting anti perspirants to an army of twitter trolls.

After it became clear the post was legit, confusion set in. “I can’t understand why someone who says he keeps making 10x or 100x gains each month on these sick alts would need supplement their income with this kind of trash,” lamented Hodldeeznuts27. “Maybe Komodo isn’t going to pump this week as he promised.”

Another devout follower says he regrets getting a tattoo of XRP now after wondering if @cryptobossman69gainz really knew what he was doing.

We spoke briefly with @cryptobossman69gainz before he had to go “hit the gym”.

“Bro I’m telling you, you take a few sponsored post ads from these companies, help them pump their shit, get your followers to buy it, and the gains you make will blow your mind. I used to just make money by telling my followers to by small cap alts after I’d already bought them, and it would essentially have a self fulfilling prophecy kind of effect. So they thought I was a genius, but of course I’d just dump the shit 2 hours after my post. Hey you’re not going to publish any of this are you? Are we on the record?”

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